Calbeestephen's Weblog

The never ending vicious cycle.

calbeestephen — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 01:35:24 +0000

How long can i take?

I might need a break.

What can i say and do to make you see the plight you’re in. Day after day you screw your life up, the amount of work put in for your studies so minimal, your bad relations with your parents and the once close relationship you had with your friends now gone. I’m trying to help salvage matters, time after time you’d be so motivated after the talk and you’d promise change. But in the blink of an eye, you’d be back to square one.

I’m really tired of the umpteen promises, so now I’m letting you do whatever you want with your life. Sorry for being so fussy and a busy-body. I guess there’s no affinity between the both of us. I told you when we had the talk before your birthday, I’m so tired of being your father. You promised change, and now your back to your old self. Fine, from me to you is, you carry with your own life, do your own things, alone.

my only love.

calbeestephen — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 20:49:22 +0000

This is a blog post dedicated to my one and only baby love, Vanessa. I love you, more than words can say. I admit I am not the best tempered boyfriend you ever had. You had to endure much of the scrutiny by me all these months, i am truly sorry if you felt it had demean you in any measure. By far, you need to know you are the girl I’ve truly ever loved. I really want things to work out for good and so please be patient for our future’s sake ok?

I remember vividly how i kissed you at my house, after we took a walk in Pasir Ris Park. It was the most amazing experience I’ve ever had prior to my past relationship. Although we are not the conventional couple like most people, but i do treasure our past. The days where we helped one another to walk down the most tiresome journey.

I hope in time to come we’ll be able to understand one another antics more and more. Willing to allow forebearance to overtake the impulse in us.

I’ve been wanting to tell you. I am really happy to be with you, these 7 months have not been a chore to me. I enjoy being with you so much though i see you almost everyday, I am not dreading it!! I want you to be more and more rooted in my life babe, so much so that the goal is to be my lawful wedded wife (:

So as we continue to persue the rest of the journey together, take heed I will never want you to be part of someone else’s life. I am self-fish in a way, i only want you to be mine. I try hard not to be possessive , but constantly being zealous for you.

My love, i love you much. Continue walking this journey with me. I can’t promise that I’m the best, but what i can do is promise you I will treat you the best of my ability.

Taiwan 2011-05-11

calbeestephen — Sun, 08 May 2011 13:43:46 +0000

It started when i jokingly said i would not be chosen for this overseas training center posting. I brushed the thought aside, thinking that I’d not be the “unlucky” person who would be chosen.

So i was chosen. Lol. I tried resisting, but you know, the army loves to coerce you la ta ma de. A very emotional period, things just started to look up for me in my relationship with her. We were progressing well, making plans, throwing the past behind, laying all else aside and adoring one another. A couple in love. Now the superior tells me i have to go for six months. I was devastated. My friends encouraged me to take things to stride. Yet i know i couldn’t shake this thought of leaving her for six months. What could be worst?

Recently, i pondered intently on the current life i have in the army. I couldn’t ask for more. Comparing myself with my other friends who passed out from the same batch as me, i am indeed a very lucky man. I told myself i ought to be grateful, put down the unruly thoughts and look forward to what’s installed in the future for me.

Vanessa, i know it will be extremely tough. In a relationship, the physical touch is mandatory. Most couples thrive on the physical touch to constantly empower the relationship. When i’m in taiwan, chances are that you’ll be so lonely, thoughts of finding another isn’t surprising. I guess since we’ve come to an agreement that we’ll both wait for one another, lets stay faithful to our promise. You know how much i love and care for you, the last person i’m willing to hurt. I love you alot. I’m very much happy during my last few months with you, you made me a very happy man. Whenever i see you, you never fail to cheer me up. Thank you very much for putting up with my nonsense. I very much appreciate it darling. I love you.

gloomy sunday

calbeestephen — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 14:18:02 +0000

It’s not that i do not respect my parents, i was brought up by a pair of no-nonsense parents. I remember how my dad used to discipline my brother and i when we were younger. The normal punishment we had were repetitive writing and kneeling down on the cold hard floor of our house. On good days father would use his belt or a hanger and proceed on to beat me hopefully i wake up my idea. Yes, younger days.

Now when as i grow older looking back, although i thank father for those beating which prevented me from walking astray in a sense i do not commit hideous crimes. Yet somehow i feel although he doesn’t use physical force, he still has this self-righteous idea in him that his ways and thoughts are always right. I am not questioning his many years of seniority but i just want to let him know that there are many other approach in solving a problem. Along the day, i decided i will stop trying to make him open up to these ways. Then came today.

During dinner, we were talking about how cash-strapped I was. I was waiting for the golden moment to come, It did. He asked me when will i stop smoking, i brushed the question aside but knowing father, he was persistent. He started to get agitated. I was non-chalent. I kept my cool knowing an argument will bring us nowhere. Then mom gently asked me to keep my cool, i know i was. I told her i’m tired of getting angry already. I just wanted to leave the dinner table as fast as i could. I knew i said something wrong at that split second. I wished words could be taken back.

Fast forwarding, i really hoped that father’s idea would change. The way he perceives me as, because i do not go church so i am not a good person. I have goodness in me as well but why wouldn’t he just praise me for that single goodness instead of pulling me down with my other bad points. This is my last step, i’m close to going back to God if He can work out a miracle regarding this. I left because of what i face at home in case if your wondering why i left in the first place. I don’t know how shall i explain this. Maybe i’m disillusioned more at home than church people themselves. I just hope You’ll prove me wrong this time.

A familiar game.

calbeestephen — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 14:52:54 +0000

All of us plays this common game. Some of us play it to win, some to lose and while there are some who are the sitting between the fences because they do not know what they are playing for. Yes, today we are talking on the topic on “Life”. In the virtual world, we could choose whether we want to participate in a game. Lets say we click on the “Start Game” button and we’ll be forwarded to the game. We have a choice. But that game of life, we don’t. We are born into the world unable to decide if we want to or not.

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are” are the words of the famous Englishman, Theodore Roosevelt. In other words he means make the best out of everything. If there is one thing that we Singaporeans have to learn i would have to vote for a grateful and contented heart. We’re just not contented with what we have. People complain because they are not contented. Singaporeans have to learn to make the best out of situation. A couple of men in our government are great men themselves, one of which we all know is responsible for making Singapore who we are today. He had the zeal, aggressiveness and seemingly has controversial ways of making things right. Unfortunately, he did not successfully pass those traits down to the next generation.

So in conclusion, whether we have an axe or a scythe for war, make the best out of our situations. Have the to-be-coveted-after traits that our forefathers had when they brought us out of freedom. Where our treasure is there our heart will be. Today if we want to be successful, lay the foundations right, be thankful in all circumstances and do not complain ! (:

why.

calbeestephen — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 16:42:26 +0000

I’m beginning to believe i’m only supposed to be in your life for a season only. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. Let it go for everyone’s sake.

remembering her.

calbeestephen — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 18:35:10 +0000

at least if all else fades and i’m right , i still one good memory i’ll always keep. Prove to me i’m wrong this time.

A walk to remember.

calbeestephen — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 04:30:04 +0000

I am loving the 1st week of febuary at the moment, although going through the motions of doing Chinese New Year visitations but it’s a monotonous chore enjoyed! ( Good food of course!) I realized i’m able to hold a conversation with cousins whom i’ve never talked before! Does this syndrome comes as you age?!

Age is something that God has given us so that we know our time on earth is limited and thus we ought to fufill and live life to the fullest. I often tell my friends, “One life is all we got”. This short span of 70 years is definitely not enough to enjoy what the earth has to offer us. There’s no time to squander it on stupid decisions that’s gonna waste at least 10 years of our life. ( you know what i mean ). Thus i hope and pray you be strong, have faith in yourself. There is a family out there supporting you though you may not feel it at times and there’s a man who loves you alot and want you to be an overcomer. Right now what your having is just a little test, as we grow and go into our next phase in life. There is yet another land to conquer and rest assured, the giants who are guarding the land will be far from easy as right now. I remember in the bible, God always says He won’t give us a situation that is bigger than what we are able to manage. God knows our limits, though we fall time and time again, He knows you are able to overcome it. I do believe it is up to us to claim that victory!

P.S. I want you to know your always not alone! Don’t give up.

irony.

calbeestephen — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 07:04:25 +0000

Remember you used to show me the song “It’s Over”, hey the irony is , now, It really is! HAHA. Oh well, what can we do. We both done our best, but maybe it was not meant to work out. I really loved you. Notice the past tense, the moment you told me you had a part in the hanky panky, i gave up all hopes. I lost it. Question, i’ve always given you so many second chances, why didn’t you treasure them? Why did you even bother saying sorry, you don’t know, but truth is you really don’t mean it baby. I am this person all along, the one who will be there waiting and supporting you. I don’t know why were you so blinded to it. Yes, i was afraid of commitment, but that was in the past and that doesn’t mean i’m a jerk either. They are different things! I hope life for you will work out the way you want it to be from now onwards. I really liked you, but i’m pretty sure now i liked the vanessa i saw in poly year 1. Never been more sure. I blame myself for not opening my eyes as well, that you were no longer the same girl i had a crush on in poly. Yes i’m telling you now i did liked you back then. I hope after much thinking you’ll understand the meaning of getting into a relationship. It’s neither a flippant nor to be taken lightly kind of thing, but rather sacred and precious as this time of courtship will eventually lead to marraige. I forgive you and hope we both can move on. Regarding the second chance, we leave it to time to heal our wounds and show furthermore, our true colors before we come to a conclusion again. I wish you well in your endeavours friend.

What a week.

calbeestephen — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 15:12:11 +0000

Is this adulthood, you yearn for a holiday and you get it. But not long later you realized you have to fufill reality back in the world. For me it’s continuing serving my sentence in SAF. Though holding the rank of a private now, it’s still the lowest form of life in the school. First day of reporting in, i was welcomed by a sergeant who was a lady. My friends went ecstatic over her, have we become so desperate thanks to SAF? Moving on, first week was manageable. Taking the role of a medic was nothing new, after all i studied a painful 3 years to get my Nursing Diploma! I hate being the center of attraction because now my friends know i hold a nursing diploma, I ALWAYS TIO ARROW FOR DEMONSTRATIONS. NABEI TURTLE CCB. Ok, back on both feet. It’s been a good week so to speak, i enjoy the lessons there, SO EASY. HAHA. Also, i’m always exercising, which is a good thing! I’m beginning to lose my flabby-ness! Boo to the girl who still thinks i’m fat. I hope your son will be obese hehe.

Goals during my training in SMTI:

1) Take work seriously and aim to be the best i can be as a student right now

2) Lose weight and build tough muscles

3) grow some friggin nice hair and awe the ladies

4) THERE’S NO FOUR. IT ALWAYS STOPS AT 3!!!

Now i know why men always say the infamous words: “All the world’s a stage, and all the people are actors”. Very deep words by shakespere as we know, but as what he refers. We take on different roles at different point in our life, whether it’s playing the good or the bad. We do it well, we do it perfect. It’s not that we want to act to acheive what we want, just that some of us just need to put in the extra effort to strive to become the good that is already in us.